Self-Esteem vs Ego
Self-Esteem vs Ego, Melanie Boling, Boling Expeditionary Research.
“Our self-esteem has a direct impact on the quality of our relationships to the degree we lack self-esteem our psyche is plagued by desires, fleeting impulses, and urges that twist and pull at our thoughts. When we are alone, in order to quiet the unconscious voice that whispers, “I don’t like me,” we do whatever we can to feel good and numb the pain. We spiral downward, because a person who has a poor self-image often seeks the temporary, hollow refuge of immediate gratification, and gives in to his impulses instead of rising above them.
When the ego reigns, our emotions cloud our thoughts, and our choices are unproductive and sometimes harmful. When we do not like who we are— which again, is true for all human beings, to varying degrees—we punish ourselves with activities that are disguised as pleasurable: excessive eating, alcohol or drug abuse, jumping between fleeting relationships or sexual partners, and endless, meaningless distractions. We desperately want to love ourselves, but instead we lose ourselves. Unable to invest in our own wellbeing, we substitute illusions for love. These ethereal pleasures mask our self- contempt, and because the comfort sought is rewarded instead by greater pain, we descend further into despair.
Have you ever chatted pleasantly with someone whom you did not like very much? It’s almost painful. What if you lived with that person.. and that person was you? Everything in life is draining for the person who does not like who he has become. It’s like working for a boss you despise. Even the most minor task triggers annoyance. Would you work hard for or invest in, let alone love and respect, an ungrateful and out-of-control person?
The egocentric person indulges his impulses and seeks the approval of others. In other words, his life is not his own; this dependence creates a sense of helplessness. This is the source of superstition: it sets in when we lose the capacity to distinguish between what we can and cannot control in life. The relationship between cause and effect is blurred. This can make us virtual slaves to rituals and compulsive behaviors. We need to feel some sense of control, so we draw our own correlation between an event and a behavior. If we knock three times, then the meeting will go well, and so on. These types of behavior give us a feeling of empowerment.
When we do not believe that we can impact our own lives, we lose the will to do anything that takes effort— especially that which does not have a direct and guaranteed pay-off.
Since self-esteem and the ego are mutually exclusive, there is no such thing as a person with high self-esteem and an inflated ego. When our self-esteem begins to erode, our perspective shrinks, and more of our personality comes through, filtered by our own insecurities. As a result, two distinct mentalities are produced: one can have low self- esteem and a dented (though not diminished) ego—this is the doormat mentality. And one can have low self-esteem and an inflated ego—this is the arrogant person. Two people, therefore, with low self-esteem, can manifest one of two different attitudes toward the same situation. Let us gain a deeper clarity of these types.
Low self-esteem, dented ego: This person is quick to apologize, even when something is not his fault. He does things for others he does not really want to do, for fear of not being liked. He rarely stands up for himself, as he does not feel that his needs are important enough, and certainly not more important than others. He is a quintessential people pleaser. While he feels unworthy of good fortune and happiness, he is still egocentric as the world revolves around his pain. The difference is that he is unable to voice his dissatisfaction and assert himself, so he may seek passive-aggressive ways to “even the score.”
Low self-esteem, inflated ego: This person needs to be the center of attention, is often loud, easily frustrated, and a big complainer. He is often a fierce competitor whose self-worth hangs in the balance of every competition. When he gives his opinion, he is often offended when his ideas are rejected. He insists people understand his point of view, and if a person were to argue with him, he would blame the other person for being too stubborn to take his good advice. This person can often be seen hitting, banging, and forcing inanimate objects to do his will. Just as he tries to do with people, he insists on imposing his will onto things and demanding they take heed.
These mentalities are not usually fixed. A person with low self-esteem often fluctuates between personas of inferiority (the doormat mentality) and superiority (producing arrogance), depending on the dominant personality mode at any given time. When a person is feeling inferior, he directs the negativity inward, manifesting hurt and sadness, and when a person is feeling superior, he directs the negativity outward, resulting in anger.
All of us, from time to time, vacillate between mindsets. As the Chassidic saying goes, “A person should carry two pieces of paper in his pocket. One that says, ‘I am nothing but dust,’ and the other that says ‘The world was created only for my sake.’” The secret, it notes, is knowing which piece of paper to pull out when. This seemingly simple Chassidic quote unleashes a wealth of wisdom regarding human nature.
To the degree that we lack self-esteem, we react to the situation with the wrong mentality or “piece of paper.” In a situation where our ego is threatened, if we have high self-esteem, we are able to perceive that we are “nothing but dust.” But when we suffer from low self-esteem, we erroneously believe that the world was created only for us, and we feel slighted and hurt by anyone who challenges us along the way.” - Dr. Dan Lieberman.
About the author:
Melanie began attending Harvard in 2020 to complete a Graduate Certificate in Human Behavior with a specialization in Neuropsychology. Boling’s research has examined extreme environments and how they can have a potential negative impact on humans operating in the extreme environment. During her time at Harvard, she has built a mental wellness tool called the psychological field kit. Implementing these tools will allow an individual to thrive in an extreme environment while mitigating negative variables such as abnormal human behavior which can play a role in team degradation. In 2023, she will also complete Harvard’s Graduate Certificate in Biology with a focus on Neurobiology and Neurophysiology. Melanie currently serves as Deputy Director of Communications for Harvard Veterans Alumni Organization, and in November 2022 she was elected as the Outreach and Communications Officer for the Pacific Northwest Chapter of The Explorers Club.
Melanie recently opened her Behavioral Neuroscience Field Research and Holistic Health Consulting Business, Boling Expeditionary Research. Melanie plans to return to the field to test her research before applying to a Ph.D. program in Behavioral Neuroscience.
